VIDEO TRANSCRIPTION
Louis C.K.
Travel / Zoo (Outtake from Louis C.K. at The Dolby)
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Transcription generated by Skrybot
I've been on the road a lot. I flew here and I farted so many times on the plane. I farted so many times. You know when you're on the plane and you fart a couple of times and you're like, eh, fair is fair. Everybody's farting. But then you keep going and you're like, this might be an issue. This might be an incident. I might be in the paper, I'm farting so much. I farted so much on that plane. And sure enough, when I landed, they gave me the plane. They're like, just take it home, you fucking ruined it. We tried flying it around with all the doors open, it didn't help. Fucking pig.
I got stopped at security because someone was in my bag. You know when your bag goes through the x-ray machine, and it's very high tech now, they keep upping the technology on the x-ray machine for the carry-ons. Who's still trying? Who's still putting a gun in their carry-on? Like, hey, maybe this time it'll work out, you know? But my bag got stopped and I wasn't sure why. I knew I didn't have any liquids or anything. And the lady opened it and sure, here's what happened. I had clay in my bag. I'm not an artist, but I just like clay. I make little dicks, they're this big. I do, I make tiny dicks, they're perfect.
And I hold it and I walk around. It's okay. And then when I get upset, I smush it. No, you're nothing. No, you're nothing. Anyway, it relaxes me. So I didn't think about this in terms of security until the lady took it out. It's a plastic bag with gray clay. It looks like C4 plastic explosives. And she's like, what is this? And I said, it's clay from an art store. She goes, I can't let you have it. I said, all right. So she threw it away and she says, have a nice flight. I'm like, look, either that's a bomb or it's not. Like, either give me my fucking clay back.
Or ask me many questions, please. Is that the procedure? Hey, this guy has a bomb in his bag. Oh, yeah, you can't have that on the plane. I'm sorry. You can explode it here, but you can't take it on the plane. I'm sorry. I know it's stupid. It's just because of that one guy ruined it for everybody. But I never get irritated by traveling because I love to travel. I love that I get to do this and travel. I travel all over the world as heroes. In Europe, I was all over the place. And, you know, when you travel, you don't get to have the things you're used to having.
But you get to have things you never had before. That's a trade-off. Like, I was in Sweden. Now, if you're in Sweden and you go to, like, say you're at a hotel and you want breakfast. They don't have maple syrup. They just don't have it. But they do have. . . Do you have maple syrup? No, but we have. . . I'll have that. That's fine. It's the same all over the world. You know, you go to Tokyo. Do you have peanut butter? No, but we have. . . You know, we have. . . I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Do you have peanut butter? No, but we have. . . Is that spicy? Same all over the world. You go to Africa? Oh, okay. Just the Swedish and the Japanese. No, yeah, that's right. No, you're right. Yeah, just the Swedes and the Japs, but don't fuck around. Yeah. No, Africa's not okay, because they can't take a joke in Africa. They're very fragile people. So they need you to protect them against jokes. So good job. Rightly so. All right. Can I go toature? Hello, comedy. So it's like, we're on a district that's called Trinidad. And my mom, she wants us to go there. And that's the mess we get. All right, whatever. But I like traveling. I like seeing people.
I don't care about the place. I was in Glasgow, Scotland, and I was in a train station, and I saw this old man, old Scottish man with a little boy, about 10 years old maybe, this tall, red hair, and he's holding his hand and they're walking. It was really sweet. And then he got to the train, and the man's going to get on the train, but he bends over and he kisses this little boy on the lips for a long time. They're like making it weird. He's like, like making it. And the kid had his hand on the back of his head and everything. And I was like, oh no. Oh no.
He's making out with that little boy. But then I look closer and I realize it's not a little boy. It's an old lady. It's a little old Scottish lady. But then I looked even closer and I was like, oh no, it is a kid. It's a little Scottish boy. And he looks old because life is hard there. His dad keeps kissing on the mouth. I went to the zoo. I was in Ohio. I went to the zoo. You go to the zoo when you're on the road, right? You don't go to the zoo in your hometown. It's not like you're at work like I should hit the zoo. Oh shit, it's going to close. Fuck.
I just really want to see a monkey's face right now, really bad. It's going to be a bad night if I don't look at a monkey. I'm going to hit both my kids if I don't see a monkey tonight before I get home. I went to the zoo in Ohio with a friend of mine and we went to see the lion. And it's always a shit lion, you know. The zoo lion's never like, argh. He just sit on a fake rock just eating lamb chops from Costco. My friend said, that's really sad. He said, they should free that lion. I was like, what are you seeing in your mind exactly? Describe your wish to me.
He said they should take that lion to Africa. And what, just let him out of the car? Good luck, lion. The lion's like, what the fuck is this shit? Them African lions walk up to him, hey man, how you doing? Where are you from? Columbus, Ohio. All right. Why don't you lift that tail because my dick is going right in your ass. .
S K R Y B O T
Skrybot. 2023, Video transcriptions from YouTube
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