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DoctorRamani
How to BE TACTICAL with the narcissist
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Hey everyone, it's Dr. Romany. Welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism and narcissistic relationships and healing from these relationships and just trying to navigate these relationships. So let's talk a little bit about being tactical. They certainly are. So let's help you be a little more tactical when you have to have contact with a narcissistic person. So because you are not going to eliminate all narcissistic people from your life, none of us can. I mean, unless you really are literally going to go live off the grid and even then, I'm not sure you will. But figuring out how to interact with narcissistic folks becomes key.
Now this original idea for this video came out of an experience I was having with some folks who kind of were like sort of, I don't know that I'd say they were narcissistic, but they were definitely narcissism adjacent. These were people I had to work professionally with and I needed something from them. And I really, really in my heart wanted them to be supportive and at the time I was very vulnerable. So I couldn't help myself. I was also tired so I was vulnerable with them and boy did that backfire.
Now as I came out of the phase of feeling vulnerable and upset at how they behaved, I came back into my wiser mind and I recognized that I had no choice. I had to interact with these people, especially at that time, but that I could also teach myself to interact with them in a way that accounted for who they were and what they were about and that I needed something from them. And they were only going to be able to deliver on some of what I needed and only in a certain way. That's a them thing. But I was angry at myself for not getting that, for wanting them to be something else.
That damned hope still gets us, even me who does this all the time, studies this all the time and I wanted them to be better. But they couldn't be better. And once I got clear headed, I was able to be very tactical on what to ask for and what not to ask for. And I was able to then sit down and do the problem solving of where do I get the other stuff that I need in my life from. It was a real aha moment for me in real time because I didn't want to see the narcissistic-y patterns in these folks because they mattered to me. But once I understood them, I was getting less burned.
It's like a pot that you cook with a lot where you thought the handle wouldn't be hot, but when you touched it, it was and you got burned and then you thought, well, maybe I just didn't grab the handle the right way and you do it again and you get burned again. Now I, for a variety of reasons, did not have the luxury of stepping away from these relationships, a fact with which I'm sure many of you would empathize. But I could get tactical and be very clear about what do I need and I laid it all out and then be very clear on what these folks could do for me and what they could not.
This really takes us to radical acceptance, right? And it's so uncomfortable because theoretically they should have been able to do all of it. But the word should is a very dangerous word in this landscape. I then disengaged. I turned to them for what I knew they could give and that was that. Did the warmth leave the relationship from my side? Absolutely. But this was a work-related thing and I was able to see that these folks were really, really good at the things that they could do to support me. So I got that and I left.
That relief and lightness that comes from truly getting, from truly understanding what someone is about and then living in that reality, it's almost akin to like losing a lot of weight instantly. You instantly probably feel lighter. So that initial grief can be a setback. But ultimately you do feel lighter because you very clearly see it and you know it. Now when I shared my point of view with other people who were associated with the project, I got some pushback that I was being cynical, this whole tactical thing. But it really wasn't because I was much more free and I was feeling better. I was feeling better even in my body.
When we admire some aspects of a person, we end up wanting them to be the whole package, skilled but also warm and empathic and responsive and supportive. And one of the tricky bits of narcissism is that some narcissistic people, many in fact, are often very good at one thing or something. And that being good at something can be quite helpful depending on how we interact with them. But they're often not well-rounded human beings when they have this personality. We have to be able to see that because frankly these highly skilled yet highly unempathic and highly invalidating people may still offer something we need and we may still need to work with them.
Now this tactical approach may be a bit more difficult to apply in closer relationships such as romantic relationships or family relationships. But it can still work. It's about asking them the things that they will do because it works for them, you leave that part out, or it feels good for them and just stick to those things but recognize that they aren't going to do things like check in with you or ask you how you are feeling. Now what I am about to say will sound really cynical. I'll own this. But this is kind of a cynical video so I am going to own it.
So in a way you can think of a narcissistic person like an app. An app can only do what the app does, right? An app lets you order your lunch or buy a plane ticket or turn on your air conditioner or order a car. That's it, nothing else. You don't expect your Uber app to soothe you after a bad day or your Delta Airlines app to thank you for folding the laundry. Actually, the app does sometimes say thank you. But when we strip it down to its essence, the narcissistic folks actually do treat us like apps, right? They do view us as something that gets something done for them or offers up supply.
It's not easy to hear but it is what is happening, right? You're sort of the app on their phone. They've got praise needed, supply needed, punching bag needed. Now the key to this is to not allow this appy stance to pervade all relationships. That you're able to see the mutual and kind and loving people in your midst who are able to be whole people and to whom you need to bring your whole self. But thinking that you can get that everywhere results in the exhaustion of disappointment that is such a daily struggle for anyone who's enduring narcissistic relationships. The other struggle is that if we are not tactical, we often just want to give up.
And especially at work, it doesn't work. We may end up doing more of their job than we need to. We may not get the guidance we need. Or it may simply be impossible for us to do our job without them. But we have to recognize that these are folks who will not go the extra mile or be creative or use sort of innovative problem solving to help us out. So be tactical and get what you need from them and that's that. I'm not so sure though, interestingly, that the narcissistic folks are being tactical with us. I don't think they are. I believe that they're just being them. They're just taking what they need.
However, for the rest of us, when we have narcissistic relationships in which we must interact, work relationships, certain family relationships, friendships, we have to be tactical, get what we need, and stop waiting for what we can't and recognizing we won't get it. The alternative of getting nothing at all from them may simply not be viable. But it always loops back to radical acceptance and openly recognizing the limitations inherent in all narcissistic relationships. It may not be in your nature to be tactical in your relationships. It's not in mine, honestly. But at some point, it does feel like being tactical is basically radical acceptance in practice. Was there grief before my tactical experience? Absolutely.
But when the grief passes and you see the situation realistically and you do it this way, honestly, like I said, it was like someone literally lifted 100 pounds off my back and I thought, this feels much easier. So give it a shot and thanks again. .
S K R Y B O T
Skrybot. 2023, Video transcriptions from YouTube
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