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Hey everyone, it's Dr. Romany. You ever have a narcissistic relationship that ends and you focus on, golly, we had such a good time at that time, like what did I do, maybe I made a mistake? You remember the good stuff? Let's talk about euphoric recall and let's put a different twist on it. The euphoric recall is a thing in narcissistic relationship, right? It's that selective remembering of the good times, the cherry picking of good memories. We've all done it. It's a key part of trauma bonding because even as you are sliding into radical acceptance, seeing the relationship and the other person for what it is and who they are, the euphoric recall can throw you way off course.
And keep in mind that the euphoric recall is also a big part of the many things that drive the trauma bonding. If the relationship was all bad all the time, you might have been less likely to be drawn in or to have stayed in. But that shape shifting between good and bad is what makes it so difficult. And over time you blame yourself and believe there is something you can do to make all that good stuff come back. But before I keep talking about euphoric recall, because it is important for us to talk about, but I'm going to throw in a plug for myself, I do have a new book coming out in February called It's Not You.
It's available for pre-order now. Click the link in the video description to check it out. We'll talk about euphoric recall in here and a lot of other stuff that will help you heal. So let's go back to euphoric recall. When we usually think about euphoric recall, we think about, again, remembering the good event, right? For example, you think back to the love bombing and how good it felt and the good memories and the good aspects of that person in the relationship. I know it's hard to believe for some of you who are only feeling the bad, but there were some good things and that's what drew you in.
You might remember that they're really attractive or that you're attracted to them or they're attentive or sexy or charismatic or cool or interesting or intelligent. And when we look back at those old memories, either literally as we reflect on old photos or social media posts or pull the old memories out of our heads, we may look back at only the superficial stuff, the good stuff. But euphoric recall is not just that. The day you learn about narcissism and gaslighting and all this other icky stuff you learn about on this channel and in other places, that's the day that your conception of everything, including yourself, may change.
Because in those days of your life before you understood narcissism, in those love bomb days, in those days that you were still able to cherry book out all the good stuff, there was something else happening. You may have been blissed out, maybe, I know this isn't all of you, I know for some of you it's just always been a rough ride, but you may have believed that you were in a really in a great relationship and even when you started hitting the devalue stage, that sort of, yeah, you might have even said, meh, relationships hit a bump in the road and that this is just that little bump and it's all good for you though.
You may have had a time you believed, to give you a different example, a time you believed you were from a great family, that the grandiose pronouncements of a narcissistic parent about how tight knit a group you were and how you stick together is amazing, you're from an amazing family, right? You may have believed, another example, that you're so lucky to work at this place, that this is such a great place to work and you're part of a family of a big happy team and doing great things in the world, right? And if any of those things were happening, the relationship, the family, the job, whatever it was, at that time, you were at peace.
There's nothing greater in the world, nothing, to be a human being who feels at peace. Some people never get it in their lives, they were born into chaos. Others may have had it and then lost it. Family splintered, unexpected departures or deaths, abuse within a family, and some folks out there may have had a fair amount of peace for a long time. And those people who've had that long-term peace really believe that the world is just and fair and true and good. You'd be at peace too if you believed that. Peace doesn't mean that everything is going well or is easy. Peace doesn't mean you have a lot of money or everything you want.
The sense of peace is a sense of well-being, safety, an idea that stuff makes sense, a predictability, a wholeness. Before you get it, understand narcissism, and especially if you're in more of a moderate narcissistic relationship, you may have felt a sense of peace or maybe peace with the sense that there was a tiny little storm cloud on the horizon, but nothing close enough to really affect the weather where you were. You may have believed that what you were in was good, and that is a hell of a feeling to think you're a part of something good and safe and cool and loving.
I have talked with people, people in my practice, people in my healing program who share this, that these are people who are fully into radical acceptance. They saw the narcissistic person completely clearly. They do not miss being mistreated in the relationship. They don't miss the confusion. At this point, they know this person's never going to change, and above all, they knew that what happened at this point in their relationship was not their fault. But what they look back to with the sense of yearning and missing is the idea that they once believed that they were in something good and safe and predictable and loving, and yeah, they felt some sense of peace.
The narratives that they were able to stitch, the rationalizations, and perhaps the blissful not knowing about what narcissism is meant part of that peace was driven by the idea that it would someday get better and be better. For lots of folks who once they get it, the world turns unsafe pretty quickly. You now have to wonder if you are being love bombed or gaslighted or manipulated. You start wondering who you can trust. If anyone, you wonder what people's motives are. The world simply feels more dangerous as do the people within the world. People say, even though I'm out and I'm healing and I get it, I'm uneasy in a way I wasn't before.
Before I knew this, well, I still believed that this thing I was in was real. I do believe, I really do, that peace is possible after healing and that it is real peace that comes from, and that peace comes from a sense of discernment and authenticity. It's not rationalized peace, but a real peace. It just doesn't feel like the euphoric recall, sort of the world is fair and good and predictable kind of peace. Listen, I have watched people who care about me tell me, don't tell me about what you do. I know it's my life. Just let me stay in my bubble, okay, Romany? I let them stay in their bubble.
It's not my place to unsettle them. More days than not, they tell me that things are good enough, maybe even sometimes great or wonderful. I hear that on the days it's bad, they'll blame themselves or just give in more and keep it. Over time, when a narcissistic relationship happens enough, even if you don't radically accept and you remain unseeing, it isn't peace. With enough time, it starts eating out your insides. You feel unsettled and uncomfortable. And even if you aren't willing to see it, the peace goes away. There is a moment when people believe in childhood fantasies, right? Santa, Tooth Fairy, Shooting Stars. I kind of still hope for those wishes to come true. And even adulthood fantasies.
Mr. Charisma will always love me unconditionally. And the sort of childlike peace that comes of those scenarios almost inevitably fades. We evolve, we develop, we give up on the Tooth Fairy. But the euphoric recall of a time when you believed that the life you had created was good and would always be there, as solid as the earth under your feet, is harder to quit. Yeah, you can get past the euphoric recall of the honeymoon or the vacation or the house you created together, but it's a lot harder to give up on the sense that life was as it should be and now to have to accept that life really isn't what you thought.
So the euphoric recall again is that sense of when I really thought I was in it and I thought this was going to last forever and we were going to grow old together and I didn't understand what all the rest of this was. There was a sense of peace and people will say, that's what I miss. I kind of don't like that I have to know all this now. They think goodness they know it, but it took away that thing. And so again, what you may be reaching back for was a time when the world seemed like a safer, more just, more consistent, more stable place.
I mean sadly for survivors of narcissistic abuse that stuff has to go the way of tooth fairies and Santa Clauses, but the new piece that comes up in it may not be childlike and shiny but it can be a very, very almost more solid sense of peace that isn't contingent on someone else. Thanks again. .