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DoctorRamani
6 things narcissist enablers say to you
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Hi everyone, it's Dr. Ramani. Welcome back to this YouTube channel that takes on all things narcissism, narcissistic relationship, and toxic frankly. And I'm hoping that the content on this channel helps you navigate the difficult, toxic, conflictual, antagonistic relationships in your life. We're going to take on the very interesting issue of what narcissist enablers say to you. This specific video is going to take on the six things narcissist enablers say to you, but I can all but guarantee I didn't get them all. I'd love for you guys to pop a comment down there and say, yeah here's something that someone said to me who was the enabler of my narcissist.
It would be great to get a little library of all of these so everyone could benefit from them, because I think once you know these things are being said you're like, oh I'm with an enabler. So it's always wonderful to hear from you, but would love to hear your thoughts on this particular topic before I start rolling into it. And as always I invite you please consider subscribing to this channel. If you do like this video give us a thumbs up, and then if you want to get notifications every time new content comes up, hit that bell. So let's take this issue on, at least from my perspective.
What are the six things that narcissist enablers say to you? So let's take this on. What are the six things narcissist enablers say to you? The reason narcissists hold so much power in your family, in your workplace, in your household, and society as a whole is because they are enabled. In workplaces nobody wants to kill the golden goose. Society confuses arrogance and narcissism in general with confidence. Families are scared of the narcissist's rage, and social media rewards the outlandish, shameless behaviors that narcissists are the masters at. The challenge is that once you have been woke to this pattern of narcissism, you see it and you can't unsee it.
And not just in the narcissist that has led you on this journey of becoming more knowledgeable, but also in many many people around you. You start to see that you have been playing on a toxic playing field for a long time. But if you know some of the kinds of statements and things that the enablers say, it lets you know that you are in fact potentially dealing with enablers. And perhaps you can then stop questioning yourself and set better boundaries and hold on to your own reality. Number one thing they say. The enablers will say they, meaning the narcissist, that narcissist, that person had a tough backstory.
Many times, most typically in families, but even amongst people who may, for example, know your narcissistic partner or friend, they will evoke some element of the history or the backstory of the narcissist to let them off the hook or excuse their behavior or their toxic words or toxic actions. As you know, the developmental arc of narcissism is often characterized by difficult early histories. We may observe neglect, trauma, abuse, inconsistency, and these patterns can be associated with the onset of narcissistic personality styles later in life. In addition, and I get into this in the series of videos I did on generational and cultural narcissism, which could be worth checking out if you're interested in this issue.
In family systems, it's not unusual for the toxic behavior of a parent or other family members, frankly, to be excused on the basis of issues related to a difficult beginning that may have roots in cultural traumas, for example, war or difficult migration or other backstories like around poverty. Now, while this may all make sense to you and even hit your compassion, the lack of acknowledgement that the way the narcissist is treating you badly, that lack of acknowledgement can leave you feeling even more confused on top now of now feeling guilty. And it may not always be trauma that's in their backstories.
There are times when the enablers will say, oh, the narcissist was spoiled or was overindulged as a child. Whatever form it takes, the enablers make excuses for them. In fact, they might even say, oh, his dad was a cheater. That's why he's been cheating. Number two thing they say, they didn't mean it. So that's what the narcissist will say. Now, the narcissist, for example, will say something mean or dismissive or unkind. And the people around them, the enablers around them will excuse it by saying, they didn't mean it. This feels ridiculous because it begs the question of how could the enablers actually know if the narcissist meant it or not.
But for whatever the reasons are of the enablers, trauma bonding, wanting to maintain the status quo or cognitive dissonance or just plain fear, the enablers will gaslight you and minimize the narcissist's words by saying, they didn't mean it. A variant on this is when they say, the enablers say, they didn't mean it the way you think they meant it. Now, once again, they're invalidating your experience, giving the narcissist the benefit of the doubt and questioning your experience. The number three thing that enablers will often say is, well, I never had a problem with them. Okay, okay, enabler. Well, that's good for you. This is a classically invalidating statement that enablers love to say.
Odds are that they have never had any trouble with the narcissist because they enabled them and emboldened them or ignored them or provided validation and supply or they're just like them. It may also be that they have a very different kind of relationship with the narcissist. This can sometimes come up. If the narcissist is your partner and people who obviously will not have as much contact with the narcissist will brush off your concerns. Ugh, I never had a problem with them. It's not that big a deal.
This also gets raised in workplaces when your concerns about a difficult coworker or boss get brushed away with, I never had a problem with that guy or I never had a problem with her. And this theme is also repeated in social groups, community groups, religious communities, sports teams, friend groups. Everyone's just saying, I never had a problem with them. So really saying, why are you? Number four thing enablers say, it will get better. Just be patient. A major way that enablers do their enabling is that either they don't get it or don't believe that it is very, very, very, very rare that a toxic person will ever change.
This is actually a really cruel trick of the enablers. When they do this, when they say be patient, they maintain the status quo. Again, it is often more convenient for the enablers if you stay in the situation that you are in. And there can be practical, cultural, or selfish reasons for this. I have worked with many people who got this feedback from family, friends, colleagues, mentors, you name it. And frankly, some of this is because people do not understand the concrete and relatively unchanging nature of narcissistic personality styles. We tend to preach patience as a virtue and endurance as some sort of Calvinist relationship goal that just suffer long enough and it'll all work out.
However, by doing this, you stick it out. The narcissist faces no consequences or requests for change. And basically, the enablers are asking you to be patient with your own suffering, your own invalidation, and your devaluation. Number five thing that enablers say, it's not that bad. Minimization is a form of invalidation and of gaslighting. It challenges your reality. And this is a classical enabling statement. This happens not only on an individual level, but also at a societal and cultural level. It confuses your reality, questions your feelings, and doubles down on the self-doubt that characterizes narcissistic abuse.
People from narcissistic family systems may have been hearing this statement from childhood, from family enablers who would minimize the invalidation of narcissistic parents. Oh, come on. It's not that bad. The same family that may turn around when you are an adult and in a relationship with a narcissist and say, oh, come on. It's not that bad. Co-workers or supervisors that themselves have been indoctrinated into an abusive workplace. It's not that bad. Captures the long-term hazing ritual that is any relationship with a narcissist. The number six thing that enablers will say, stop complaining. They work really hard. They take care of stuff.
Now, different variations on this enabling statement can include who cares what they say. You got to let it go because they put a roof over your head and fed you. Or another variant is that your partner works really hard to provide a nice life for all of you. It's as though providing material comfort is some kind of get out of jail card for emotional abuse. I have had so many clients feel guilty about sharing stories of gaslighting, invalidating emotionally abusive childhood saying that, well, I shouldn't really be complaining because my parents did keep me fed. Narcissistic enablers will often play upon this simplistic rationalization.
It often plays quite simply into the guilt that people who are in narcissistic relationships often live with. I think it's sort of a bare minimum that a parent would feed a child. Obviously, there are myriad things that enablers can say. That's why I want you to drop them in the comments section. I'd love to hear the other enabling things you've heard. Remember, enablers enable for a range of reasons.
To maintain the status quo, to keep things working the way they want them, fear of angering the narcissist or losing some benefit from them, practical reasons, cultural reasons, trauma bonding with the narcissist, and in some cases, the enablers may in fact be codependent or even narcissists themselves, which is why they can't see it and nor would they ever want to call it out. There are many reasons people get stuck in narcissistic relationships, fear, hope, guilt, but we cannot minimize the impact of enablers. Not only do enablers contribute to why individuals get stuck in narcissistic relationships, but society at large is also responsible for enabling narcissists.
We revere them, we applaud them, we cheer them on, we watch their lives with bated breath, and we don't call them out. Narcissists are more likely to make more money, to be our leaders, and to get ahead. And all of that is a byproduct of a world that is more than willing to enable them, embolden them, and let them keep getting away with it with absolutely no consequence. Watch for those six catchphrases I offered and pay attention. I hope some folks give you some new catchphrases, too.
Ask yourself, though, as you make decisions about how to set boundaries with a narcissist in your lives, whether it isn't time to do the same thing, set those boundaries, have realistic expectations, and radical acceptance with the enablers as well. Narcissists exist in systems. They are not solo players. They're kept in place because nobody wants to call them out. They're kept in place by the enablers. So if you're going to make the radical changes you need to detoxify your life, this isn't just about setting those boundaries and disengaging from the narcissist. It's about doing the same thing with the enablers. Again, love to hear some of your thoughts on this.
If you like this video, if you could give us that like, please subscribe to this channel if you're enjoying this content, and also hit that bell if you want to get notifications. I hope this clarified some of the issues around enabling, and thanks again. Bye!.
S K R Y B O T
Skrybot. 2023, Video transcriptions from YouTube
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