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DoctorRamani
5 of the MOST frustrating things ENABLERS say
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Let's face it, enablers hate to have their bubble burst. They want to live in whatever fantasy rendering of pleasant vill that they want to be in where there is no such thing as antagonism and everything's just fine. Narcissistic enablers are typically gaslighters by tribe. They're collective gaslighters. They're the ones who say the things that leave you doubting yourself even more. And they try to put lipstick on a pig and try to downplay the harms of a narcissistic person's behavior. In so doing, narcissistic enablers are just one of many in an army of people in the world at large that allow this kind of behavior to continue, to reward it at a societal level.
And I guess at some level the enablers just want to be able to stay in their world full of denial and then ignore what's happening to others. So today we're going to take on this thing that narcissistic enablers say. They love saying this. Ready? Oh come on now they don't mean it. They don't mean it mean any harm. So you may hear one or both versions of it. Either they'll say they don't really mean it when they say that or they don't mean any harm with what they do.
First of all, when someone says that to you about a narcissistic person's behavior, it's so tempting to ask the enabler, how the hell do you know this? How do you know that they don't mean any harm? They harmed me, so what was it? They harmed me, so it was harmful behavior. It can make these kinds of statements can make a family system or a friendship or a relationship feel like you're in a court of law or a police investigation or a deposition into which you need to be able to establish motive or intent. The fact is I was hurt and now I have to approve that they intended to hurt me? Uh-uh.
The tricky bit with this statement that oh they don't really mean it. They don't want to they don't mean to hurt you. They don't mean that. Is that narcissists are always repeat offenders. Listen, all of us screw up once. All of us say something that could hurt someone else and then we get corrected and we attempt to never do it again and we really commit ourselves to never doing it again. Narcissistic people just keep doing and saying the same bad things even with feedback. We give them feedback on their behavior. We know that doesn't work and they don't change.
So for a person, narcissistic person typically, who doesn't intend to hurt someone else, they got to know they're hurting. Everyone's telling them that but yet they keep hurting. When you keep repeating something and people are telling you what you're doing that sure as hell feels like intent to me. Now I understand intent as a legal standard but that's this isn't a court of law. It's your damned life. So when a person says hurtful things pretty regularly that's not okay. It's not.
In fact if you try to pin the narcissist down on intent or the enabler tries to pin them down on intent more often than not you will be called out for being too sensitive for having your feelings hurt. Oh golly you are very sensitive. Who cares? He didn't mean it. Both statements, those enabling statements, they don't mean it or they don't mean any harm. They mean that the narcissist because of the enablers are able to keep doing and saying bad things because the presumption then becomes well their words aren't intended to harm so they aren't harming. That's like saying a drunk driver didn't intend to hit you with their car so they're off the hook.
We know that accountability with a narcissist is a pipe dream and something that you're never going to get but what is potentially possible then is other people not letting them off the hook so easily. Maybe other people can stop enabling them. Other people stepping in and saying actually that was not okay what you just said could hurt someone else. Now those of you who grew up with a narcissistic parent may have gotten this statement oh they they didn't mean it they didn't mean hurt they didn't that wasn't meant to hurt you that you may have gotten this nonsense left and right from the other parent or other people in the family system.
Oh come on now your father doesn't mean any harm he doesn't mean it when he says those things oh come on now your sister doesn't mean it she doesn't mean to hurt you. You were harmed and by making the focus on the intention of the other person the one who says the hurtful thing never are the feelings of the harmed person acknowledged and that feels very invalidating and that narcissist keeps just getting enabled where people saying well they don't really mean that. In a relationship friends or people close to you may say oh come on now your partner didn't mean it they didn't mean any harm.
I sometimes wonder is it because these enablers get uncomfortable because they think oh goodness are you telling me life isn't always sunshine life can be icky and people might hurt people yeah this isn't third grade. Relationships aren't always moonbeams and rainbows or maybe these enablers would actually have to look at their own lives and really take a hard look at what's going on around them but in the middle of all of this the narcissist keeps getting enabled. In the workplace co-workers or management or administration saying oh come on now your boss or your supervisor or your co-worker they didn't mean any harm.
That can actually really set you up badly for getting any kind of meaningful solution from HR or other situations since the prevailing workplace culture is that everyone thinking the person was actually quite abusive always he didn't really mean it you just need to know how to take what they say. Again it pathologizes the person who is affected who apparently doesn't know how to take it and what that ultimately means is that that person who's the brunt of these words is less likely to get support. It's in this way narcissistic enablers are just they just further invalidate survivors of these situations and contribute to the larger environment of abuse that that of around the person who's experiencing this.
The person's already being abused it's just one more way to abuse them. So the big question is do they mean it? Do the narcissist mean it to hurt you? The bigger bigger question is does it really matter? And frankly that's not for a third person to be weighing in on. The enablers I really do think that they're just they want to feel better about their own lives. That should not be happening on your time. I really do think that the enablers run heavily on hope. Oh they don't mean it they don't want to hurt you like no people are actually really good.
Now obviously I have a far far more skewed cynical view than anybody out there that people don't mean good but when you get this when somebody harms you hurts you or somebody's telling you no no ignore what they said they didn't mean it unless you've got some kind of decoder ring to let you know when people do and don't mean things which we don't. I gotta assume when someone says something to me they mean it. And so this idea of narcissistic enablers living in this sort of world of wishful thinking where people couldn't be that mean again this ain't summer camp and this isn't the playground in a preschool.
These are people who have no problem invalidating and hurting other people and when they're enabled by other people through these throw away statements like they didn't mean it it makes it hurt even more and it fuels our sense of doubt and confusion.
So let me pose this to you as a question have you ever been in a situation where you're really sharing a difficult experience you've had with someone really difficult painful experience and the other person pops in and says well they've always been nice to me and if you've had that experience you're like well then maybe it's me and it leads you to doubt yourself so let's talk about this because this is something that narcissistic enablers have been known to say. Now remember that enabling is why this whole problem with narcissistic folks has gotten to be so big and so all-encompassing. The enablers are the gas tanks and the fuel cells for narcissistic people.
This series is an attempt to take some of this on and this is a big one. When people say about a person or talk about a person who has harmed you through narcissistic behavior they say well I don't know about that they've always been nice to me. If somebody says that to you you're telling them about your abuse they say they've always been nice to me then you say your temptation is to say well good for you because they're abusing the hell out of me.
To say to someone who is going through a very difficult experience with someone and then follow that up with but they've always been very nice to me is not only an enably thing to say but like most enabling statements it also has a rather gaslighty feel. So why do people do this? Why do they say this? Well in part because it's true. You may tell somebody an experience of somebody who's treated you badly or invalidated you or otherwise left you struggling and the person with whom you shared the story has never had this experience of that person. They haven't. So the enablers maybe I mean they're basically starting from a very basic and honest place.
This didn't happen to me. So let me use an absolutely ridiculous example. Imagine you went to a restaurant. You had terrible service. You had a horrible meal. You went home and you threw up all night because the food made you sick. So then you tell a person about the restaurant and that person has always had a wonderful experience at that restaurant. It's their favorite place. They may pause for a minute but it may still be their go-to restaurant and they may still be going because they haven't had that experience. Now restaurants aren't people.
Now the reason this statement they've always been nice to me is sort of an enably statement is that it effectively ends the conversation and it may leave you feeling as though you are wrong in your assessment. In fact two people can have very different experiences of the same person but when a person who has experienced a toxic situation kind of gets shut down by a dissenting opinion unfortunately most people who encounter a narcissistic person we will actually revise our assessments or doubt ourselves if our experience of someone is very different and this is really pronounced in people who have already historically experienced narcissistic abuse because they're so riddled with self-doubt.
Remember that narcissistic people are wearing a mask not a mask mask you know like a mask on their face and as a result of that they can take that mask off and put it on and off at will to play different roles. They need narcissistic supply and they'll do whatever they can to get it. They manage people. They figure out who's supply they need. They figure out who's access. Interestingly because of this people who are kind of irrelevant to them can often see a narcissist as nice because they see that juicy charm and charisma in the narcissist and they judge them to be nice or interesting or engaging or whatever.
Some of you in fact most of you are listening to this and are saying I've said this and I don't consider myself an enabler. Trust me I've said this too and I don't consider myself an enabler. Maybe I am but I happen to think that the person we were talking about was completely nice. Like I completely understand why any of us would say that. So this is where you could take the conversation in a different direction. If someone shares for example if a person shares a terrible story with you about someone just listen to them. Don't feel the need to revise their experience.
So for example I come up to you and say oh my goodness I am dealing with this person. They are so difficult. They have been so toxic. They have terrible boundaries. They're terribly entitled. They're acting like an ass. It felt disrespectful. It felt awful and I'm actually really shaken by this experience. On top of that this person they started telling other people terrible things about me and they're gaslighting me. I don't feel good about this person. Like I feel awful. Now let's say I'm telling you this and you actually really like this person. You've had a great experience of them. You've had no negative experiences.
You've enjoyed your time with them and you've had no experiences like mine. The classic enablery statement like we said throughout this video is they have always been so nice to me. How does that help me who's sharing my terrible story with you? It just leaves me that were the person telling you this who just experienced something really bad and felt that they could share it with you safely. It left you it leaves them feeling like they got it wrong. I feel like I got it wrong. It leaves that person telling you that story feeling invalidated. It may even leave them feeling like they're a bad person for saying such things.
This may end up silencing the person who just had this really difficult experience and leaving them feeling as though I better not say anything else. Maybe everybody loves this person and just like that the beat goes on. Give it time. That enabler will also get screwed by this toxic person but at that moment you're being silenced. It's just going to mean that you might let it go and the narcissistic person is just going to go do it to someone else and they will. You will not be the one to stop them.
So maybe you're wondering what should that so-called enabler have said instead? What should they have said instead of saying well they've always been nice to me? How about this? How about saying yikes I am so sorry. I'm so sorry you had that experience. It sounded like it was a tough interaction. Are you okay? Or you could try something like that could not have been easy. Do you want to talk about it? And then if they talk just listen. This is not about you trying to win them over to your worldview or your experience nor is it meant to color your view of the person.
I and I'm sure many of you I have friends who have friends I really don't like. I don't love my friend any less because of those other friends. I will sometimes say if invited to something where it will just be me and my friend and the other person I don't like I might say something like hey I'm just going to take a pass on this one. I'm real busy but I will see you sometime soon. Whatever that next time will be. If they have a party I'll show up and I'll probably just steer clear of the person I don't like or maybe just say something polite. Hey how you doing? And go.
I have friends my family and friends don't like. It's life but the key is to not feel the need to proselytize and convert people and I have no doubt that some of my people friends or family are very narcissistic and I sure as hell am not going to paint a shinier picture of that person and mess with another person's mind. People may wonder why I stay in touch with or remain in a friendship of some kind or the like with a narcissistic person. All of us have such people in our lives. It's complicated. I just try to live by the word of don't defend, don't over engage, don't explain, don't personalize.
I set boundaries and I get it. It's not a delusion. I know if somebody in my life is narcissistic. So if someone comes and tells me they've had a hard time with this person I just say I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it? No triangulation, no gossip, no nonsense. Most survivors of narcissistic abuse doubt themselves. It's the reflexive place that survivors live. Comments like this but they've always been so nice to me doubles down on that doubt. Don't do it. Listen there's not any everyone doesn't like anything uniformly. Not everybody likes ice cream.
Believe it or not not everybody likes beach days and yeah not everybody necessarily likes or doesn't like that person. Enablers please listen up and avoid it and for those of you who face this kind of statement don't get into it. Don't try to convert the enabler but also give yourself permission to hold on to your assessment of that person. Recognize that maybe if somebody's saying this to you that this is not a safe space to have this chat and take it to someplace safe you can but always hold on to your reality. Holding on to your reality is the essential path forward to healing.
I know a lot of you are struggling with this thinking like I've said this and what if I have had a good experience of someone some of you might be thinking golly if somebody something tells me something terrible about someone I've had a good experience with how do I keep that from changing my opinion of them? Same thing you've had an experience with someone there's a reality base to that that's your experience. You can have a different experience of someone than someone else. I am sure many of you have friends partners family members or people are like I don't like that person and do you completely change your view of that person? I hope not.
So always keep in mind that when someone shares with you a painful difficult story about the workplace about their family about anyone just hold space and hear it for them and hear it from them. Don't feel the need to correct it recognize that your your person has had a difficult experience a person talking to you and also then be respectful of it. You don't need to run off to that person that you've had a good experience with and share that story with them hold it hold your version of reality of that person but respect the reality this other person has had.
It's a lot but it's a common enabling thing that happens in the narcissism world that a lot of times the narcissist get a free pass because unless you really get in deep with them you may not fully get it and this is again not meant to change your opinion but rather be present with the difficult experience of someone else. Now how many of you have had someone not the narcissist themselves but how many of you have had someone say to you you tell them something toxic that's happened in a relationship and they say I don't know I think you're being too sensitive.
Again my hope in this series is to tell you the kinds of things enablers say to help you also be able to protect yourself there. The statement you are being too sensitive is the mantra of the gas lighter and a leading tool in the narcissistic person's communication tool belt I guess. Once that statement gets said that I think you're being too sensitive the person who is on the receiving end of this statement will immediately doubt themselves pathologize themselves and frankly it's a great deflection technique by the gas lighter. Now the abusive manipulative behavior of the narcissistic person is no longer the focus and instead the focus is on the sensitivity of the person who has called them out.
It's the oldest trick in the manipulation book and it has left many people who have experienced narcissistic abuse walking around the world and feeling like they themselves the ones on the receiving side are the ones who are overly fragile and that's why they can't be in a healthy relationship blaming themselves for all of the issues not only in that but in all relationships. But the enablers are in on this game too. It usually plays out as a sort of gaslighting by proxy collective gaslighting situation.
You may for example share an experience you are having in a narcissistic situation or relationship and the feedback that you get is that you're being a little too sensitive aren't you? It's actually even more profound powerful damaging and impactful in a way than if this is said by the narcissistic person or the gaslighting person themselves. You can almost understand why the narcissistic person does it. They're just being their usual defensive selves and they're defending themselves and their fragile egos and their inadequacy. But when others do it it really magnifies your personal sense that you are the one in the wrong. That you actually are too sensitive because it isn't even the enablers fight.
Remember that enablers are really invested in maintaining the status quo and there's lots of reasons for that. We'll actually be doing a series on the different kinds of enablers pretty soon so you'll get some of that breakdown there. But for now to keep in mind that enablers want to keep their worldview and their life running in a way that's convenient for them and their needs and they'll maintain what they need to do to maintain that status quo. And that may include pathologizing those who are on the receiving end of the narcissistic person by telling the harmed person that they are too sensitive. They don't have to listen to it anymore.
In most cases the narcissistically abused person feels silly and then they won't pursue anything anymore. They'll just like okay let me just let me this is my fault. The grand irony of all of this is that non-narcissistic people in general the healthy folks out there when they're told they're too sensitive they tend to shut down feel feel silly and believe that they are too sensitive. But when narcissistic people are being told are told that they're being too sensitive they fly into an epic and terrifying rage and then start telling everyone else that the other people are bad and narcissistic. So let me tell you this there's no winning at this game.
The danger of the enablers doing this is that they effectively start cutting off paths to support for the person who's enduring narcissistic abuse. I hear never-ending experiences from people experiencing narcissistic abuse of how they didn't know how to talk about their situations. Were fearful of being judged and of feeling ashamed of being in the situation in the first place or even to protect the narcissistic person or their family in some cases. So when the day finally comes when a person who's being narcissistically abused actually speaks about their experiences or maybe they just try to get some support.
When the enablers shut that down by saying you are being too sensitive it effectively ends the conversation and it puts survivors back in the shadows again. The survivors then believe they are too sensitive. They start living back in the self-blame and back in the isolation with little support. Now we are definitely a society that can be quite uncomfortable with emotion and we are also a society that gets quite uncomfortable when the fairy tale doesn't work out. People definitely don't like hearing stories of unhappy relationships and unhappy marriages or of unhappy families.
Who knows maybe it activates in people who are enablers maybe it activates in the sense of but for the grace of God there I go or maybe people are childlike enough that they don't want their fairy tale bubbles burst. I remember once being at a lunch with a group of women and there was one woman who was sharing some experiences that she was having in her toxic marriage. One of the women at the table was really emotionally stunted and the emotionally stunted woman at the table she covered her ears and said la la la la la I don't like to hear unhappy stuff today is happy lunch. I was horrified.
The woman who was sharing her painful story was clearly in pain and had felt safe so she was telling the story and I could see the shame on her face when the fragile la la la Pollyanna lady just wasn't able to hear it. That's enabling that idea of don't bring up your pain because it messes up my day.
So when you share a story and somebody says that you are being too sensitive sadly I gotta tell you the writing is on the wall for that friendship or relationship and you may be in a bit of an enabling situation and for those of you who are cringing and saying but I've said this what do I do in these circumstances what do I say if I really feel like someone's having a strong reaction. Let's say someone tells you a story and you actually really do believe that the person's reaction that they're telling you might have been a little disproportionate to the situation. Don't judge them. If anything ask them to break it down.
Ask them things like how were you feeling at the time or empathy like it sounds like that was really difficult. What do you think you're going to do? You may even as the conversation proceeds say things to them like wow that must have been a really powerful situation since you you did experience it so strongly. By setting that sort of empathic tone the person who's talking to you may even say like actually yeah I was having a horrific day that day and then this happened so yeah I did react stronger than I thought I would.
You will then get some insight from the other person getting insight just by them talking about the situation without playing judge and jury on their emotions. I really want you to pay attention to this because when other people are telling you not the gaslighters telling you you're being too sensitive but you're relaying a tale to someone and they're very quickly quick to say to you I think you're being too sensitive. Keep in mind that the reason I'm saying that this is an enably thing is that at no point are they ever asking maybe from for some level of wow what was that person you were talking with going through to have said something like that to you.
That sounds like it was hard too. I think so many people want to hit judgment first that's the enabling thing to do rather than hitting a tone of empathy which may actually open a person up to be able to give you a greater depth and richness of the story. Enablers really really don't like you popping their bubble that everyone gets along right? No they don't. Enablers are the gas on the already burning fire. Make sure you can identify it because the narcissism and the behavioral fall out of the narcissism is hurting you enough. The enabling just makes it worse. I'm going to ask you a question.
Have you ever had someone say to you oh come on now don't take them so seriously they're under a lot of pressure? That's the thing we're going to take on today when narcissistic enablers say to you about a narcissist oh now now they're just under a lot of pressure. Let's face it enablers hate to have their bubble burst. They want to live in whatever fantasy rendering of pleasant vill that they want to be in where there is no such thing as antagonism and everything's just fine. And this enabling phrase we're going to be talking about today it's a doozy.
That in some ways what the person's saying is it's okay that the narcissist is behaving as badly as they are because they're under a lot of pressure. I sort of feel like this statement is kind of a 1950s throwback phrase. The idea of the hard-working husband coming home with a few grunts expecting a martini settling down with the newspaper complaining about the dinner he is served in a perfectly clean house and ignoring or yelling at his kids.
It's a trope I get it but this enabling phrase of they're just under a lot of pressure was often in that era a frequent one that was thrown around to rationalize why a person should stay in a soulless and perhaps emotionally abusive marriage with a person who had absolutely no empathy and wasn't even present. The assumption in most cases is that it is workplace pressure which is the pressure someone's under but it could be other pressures.
The enabler who uses this comment is not denying that the narcissist is grumpy or cruel or angry or nasty but rather that there is a rationale for this abusive behavior that the pressure that the narcissist is facing from some source is just overwhelming and thus we need to cut it some slack because well they're under pressure. Now here's the thing none of us I acknowledge none of us are at our best when we are under pressure of any kind.
We may become for example a little bit viper-tongued for a minute and then apologize hopefully we apologize or some of us may simply retreat when we are under pressure so we don't hurt other people or we just don't have the bandwidth to deal with life. Narcissistic folks don't make these allowances for other people they just rage and lash out with very little regard for other people. Now enablers do not like the idea that abuse is abuse regardless of what else is happening and instead what enablers try to do is try to find ways to understand the abusive be abusive behavior and then ultimately to excuse it.
Now this comment this enably comment that the difficult person is under pressure and that's why they are behaving the way that they are gives the enabler a justification that kind of makes sense to them and they likely do it with people across the board. They may even double down on this enabling and say things like hey they're under pressure but you know what they actually are great provider and they work hard so you can have this nice house. Now the enabler might say that part but they don't say the other half of this sentence which really is so you have no right to be upset at them for verbally abusing you.
That other half sort of should be implied but the enabler would never say that part out loud. If you grew up with a narcissistic parent and then your other parent was an enabling parent you heard this phrase many times your mother or father oh they didn't mean what they said they're just under a lot of pressure and in your child brain that justification seemed plausible so when adult narcissists and enablers continue their bad behavior you can easily fall for it. It also sets a precedent when your childhood enablers said this that this idea that somebody being under pressure is a permissible gateway for abusive behavior.
Children who grow up around this kind of enabling statement may find themselves to be eggshell walkers as children always being careful around that pressured parent never wanting to be the one to set them off and then because that parent gets set off not because of the child but really because the narcissistic parent is reactive and dysregulated and cruel that child again and again hears the same enabling refrain about how much pressure their parent is under. It gets to the point that a child in this situation will try to become invisible, silent, forever compliant or in some cases the child finding these conditions impossible may simply rebel. Either way it is not good for the child.
Listen if all of us behaved in such a dysregulated way as narcissists do every time we were under pressure it actually would be a miracle that any of us would still be alive because everybody would be reacting right. The majority of us get through our pressure the best we can sometimes we just keep to ourselves sometimes we exercise sometimes we go to therapy sometimes we eat or drug or spend our way through it but most of us do not destroy the mental health of other people through antagonism and lashing out and when we do get a little clipped when we are under pressure healthy people apologize, repair and learn from their mistakes. Narcissistic people continue to angrily react.
Now remember enabling is as toxic as narcissism so you always want to catch yourself if you've ever used these statements. It's easy to fall into the feel good world of let's just give everyone the benefit of the doubt but if you do that enough you are multiplying the damage that survivors of narcissistic abuse and really anyone who encounters that narcissist all anyone experiences and encounters. So this idea the reason they're like that they're just under a lot of pressure lots of folks are under a lot of pressure most of them are graceful.
Let's stop using this as a way let them off enablers listen up stop doing it and when you encounter this kind of really toxic behavior and someone's telling you ah they're just under a lot of pressure heed that as the warning call it is about the enabler in your midst. This is a really really important topic so has anyone ever said to you about a narcissist in your life they did their best. To me enablers may actually cause more harm to us than the narcissist do so let's break this down.
This idea they did their best is often the phrase enablers will use when describing a narcissistic parent you're a narcissistic parent oh come on now they did their best. So the next part which is usually unsaid is so you just have to put up and not question it and let it go. This concept of they did their best is also often employed in relationship situations I know your partner was awful but they did their best and as with all enabling statements it can negate your pain and your experience because the assumption is that the harm rendered by the narcissistic person was not intentional.
That is what this statement is about a certain lack of intentionality this idea they did their best they didn't mean to hurt you they didn't set out to hurt you or invalidate you or gaslight you they just did their best.
Now outside of the narcissistic space this statement this of you did your best or they did their best is often a way we understand people who throw in a subpar or suboptimal performance in a variety of settings for example a child who does not do well on something at school a person who couldn't finish a race a person who tried but was not able to cook a meal it's a way of saying ah come on now they gave it the old college try they tried and there's a nobility in trying right well it's one thing when this giving to doing their best is an activity that doesn't involve harming someone else for example the kid who tried to do the book report but just wasn't able to understand the book the person who struggles with health issues so really tried to finish the race but couldn't quite get there the person who can't boil water and burned the dinner I guess they did give it there but they did their best but in these circumstances they're not succeeding didn't really hurt anyone it's the use of this statement oh they did their best in interpersonally painful toxic or antagonistic circumstances that's the problem that a person tried their best even as people were harmed invalidates the experience pain and hurt of the person who was impacted by the bad behavior for example a parent who judges criticizes minimizes gaslights and manipulates a child throughout their childhood and then mix that in with a little bit of neglect and lack of empathy for that child to grow into adulthood and then in adulthood struggle with not feeling good enough a sense of self-doubt for people to come rolling in and sit and look at their parent this adult now you're now an adult look at your parent and say they did their best what's the point what's the point of saying that now the paradox of the enabler is that there are all different kinds and we're going to have a series on all the different kinds of enablers now basically the enabler has a worldview that they like and they don't want to shift it or be open to other perspectives so perhaps they have a need to see the world in a certain way and they can't integrate the idea that someone is not a good parent or was frankly a bad one and so it's easier to say oh come on now they tried their best or maybe the enabler themself isn't such a great parent and is projecting their own fears and neuroses into your own story they really need to back away and stay the hell out of your story this is such a common enabling statement that most people fall for it most people who have had a narcissistic or antagonistic or otherwise difficult parent can look back and say i actually do get why my parent or parents struggled as parents so on top of their parent having a difficult personality many adult survivors of narcissistic abuse are also able to see that the family had financial struggles or their parents were just too young or their parents had their own difficult parents or the parent had a difficult backstory around immigration or discrimination or other societal issues that cause stress and shame or it was the time or the generation and it was a time when for example emotion was devalued the cognitive dissonance of having a narcissistic parent is such that people can justify and rationalize so when an enabler rolls up and said ah they just did their best it's easy to just fall into that and even blame yourself for being angry at something your parents are continuing to do or say to you now here is the struggle especially when someone says to you that your difficult narcissistic manipulative parent did their best it is to make peace with something that something is difficult to just reconcile with this idea their best simply wasn't okay it just wasn't they screwed up and you get to carry the legacy of that screw up perhaps they weren't fully up to the job most people aren't up to the job of being parents no parent or person is perfect nobody is even close but they're screwing it up and they're screwing it up there does come a point where you need to put it down so you don't have to live in anger not to deny it and you do need to grieve what happened to you the most difficult part of having had a narcissistic parent is to go through the pain and the hurt of grieving your own childhood many people get stuck in the loop of regret and resentment they wonder how different would i have been if someone had just encouraged me if i had heard just a few good things about me instead of constant criticism if i didn't walk on eggshells for the first 18 years of my life or longer if i'd witnessed actual happiness between my parents or if i'd actually been noticed by them grief after narcissistic abuse is a process and it's messy and it's painful but it is a process and at some point i promise you you just got to do the work you can get to the other side and put it down narcissists get heavy to carry around for a long time now sadly the enabler is partially right the narcissist probably did do their best and thus is the tragedy of these high conflict personality styles like narcissism they are limited and they are limiting the people who possess them are stuck in an immature rigid personality that cannot do the heavy lifting on psychically demanding roles like parenting and to recognize that the slings and arrows and wounds all these things that happen to you they are what made you let's face it the most interesting people in the room are the ones who have actually been through something it's okay to say that their best wasn't good enough yet the goal is to not let that define you and you then decide what works in that relationship boundaries no contact disengagement superficial engagement it's different for everyone just don't keep throwing yourself under the bus with them there is a point where we do sling the backpacks of our legacies and our lives on our backs and some people have much heavier backpacks than others but all of us have to move forward it's not easy but i promise you it can be done and i see people doing it every day find your audiences the enablers are often so afraid of the world afraid when things don't fit their worldview that they have no problem forcing their version of events on others so as to make it all fit the key is to remember you don't need to listen to them and recognize that when people are hurt when you're feeling hurt hearing that someone did their best is very little solace it's a common statement for enablers to fall back on and when you hear this stuff find an excuse and step out of the room you don't get into a debate you don't try to convince the enabler of a different path recognize that they want to keep their rose-colored glasses on and you will not be the one to get them to take them off so this idea of they did their best sometimes their best isn't good enough and it doesn't mean that you have to go into some grand journey of forgiveness is to understand that it wasn't good enough and then you can take that knowledge and make whatever decisions you need to make thanks again.
S K R Y B O T
Skrybot. 2023, Video transcriptions from YouTube
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