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After my arduous journey through Latin America I've decided to pamper myself with a weekend in Britain's premier holiday resort. Join me on a trip to the English Riviera. Hello my love. Can I please have a ticket to Clapton on Sea? One way? I've heard it's so nice you never want to come back. 43 quid to Clapton. 43 quid? I can't afford to come back. How can we justify 43 quid? I probably don't. I don't have to justify do I? Let's just do it. Have you heard that guys? 43 quid. You can travel across Russia for 20 quid and here 43 quid. So nice to meet you. No problem.
Right anyway 43 quid to get down to Clapton on Sea. 43 quid for an hour and a half. How much is a train journey in your country for an hour and a half? I bet it's not 43 bloody quid. Rip off. Well guys before we head down to English Riviera I want to show you a sad piece of British history and that is this board up here and you'll see this all over Britain. And this is basically a piece of marble inscribed with the names of well many many English people who died 1914 to 1990. That means that's the First World War as we in England call it the Great War.
And so many like typical English names. Barnes, Dawson, Kent, Mitchell, Turner, Smith, Wright. Typical English names. Hard-working men who came from families all across the UK and these names are people who used to work on their Eastern Railway which is this railway branch. Were sent to the First World War to the trenches in Flanders, in Belgium, in France and I'm sadly perished. But yeah it's not just the Soviet Union that has these. We have them here in the UK too. Over here behind me we have typical English dress. This is how people in Great Britain used to dress a hundred years ago. Hello guys.
May I ask you why you're dressed so beautifully and elegantly like Victorian dandies? We're going to a Dickensian event. Okay. Who are you dressed as? Are you dressed as characters or just from the period? Well I'm the only me. I'm Isambard King Dumbruenel. Oh the man who designed the railways and the bridges. I've got a cigar in here as well because he always had a cigar. Did he? Yeah. And so this is how British people in Dickensian times. Dickensian from the word Dickens. But yeah anyway have a great day, have a lovely time. I love your outfits. Bye bye. Wow we've met some real Dickensian people.
Right we found our train and look at the lovely towns we can visit. We can visit Wyvernhoe, Thorpe-le-Socken on our way down to Clacton-on-Sea. Let's jump on the train. Places I've never heard of, probably never going to see. Let's go. What the? Mr Bald. What are you doing here? J-Wick. J-Wick? Clacton-on-Sea. English Riviera. There's bloody backpack of men on a train to Clacton-on-Sea. Come on let's go and sit up here. The flippin ex happening. What? I thought he was in Asia. Let's go up here anyway. Who's this dude? Is he with you? No. Looks like a bloody terrorist.
What are you doing mate? Hey mate take your feet off the bloody chair. Where the fuck are you? Hey calm down. Take that off. Oh fuck. Amigos, this guy abandoned me twice so he felt guilty so he invited me to a holiday destination. Which place? Clacton-on-Sea. I trust you, it's going to be amazing you said. It's going to be luxury. Who are you and why are you walking up and down the train? What's happening? I haven't peed since I got off that submarine last night. What are you doing down there? Why are you getting undressed in front of me sir? Because I lost weight. He's lost weight.
See it, say it, thought it. What's your name? Short for Pigeon? Why Pidge? It's called Pidge. That is a man who's opened a cider before on a train. And popped it open with a vape. That is so British. Opening a cider with a vape on a train in the morning. You are a legend Pidge. We've got one more person joining us. Join us with your funky shirt. Where are you going to club? Shit man, seriously I watched the entire Darien like three days ago. Yeah? Enjoy it. I've been raving about it. It's like everyone's like you gotta watch this. The best content ever.
Oh best content, stop it. People think I told you to say that. You lost it don't you? Ben's got no ticket. Hey tell us about Clacton. What's Clacton like? It's not called um, Cracktown on Sea. Cracktown on Sea? It's called, how she said it's called Cracktown on Sea. Sounds awesome. Cracktown on Sea. Welcome to the English Riviera. Mate what do you call someone from Clacton? Is there like a word for it? A claptoner? Clacket? No? Dickhead maybe? Dickhead? I said what do you call someone from Clacton? He said dickhead. You're not a dickhead. Don't put yourself down. Come on, no you're not. Stubborn. You're stubborn? Yeah.
Right, here, let me take your arm. Off you come, Babushka. Thank you. You're all right. Yeah, thank you. There you go. Welcome to lovely Clacton. Look, man with a bloody wheelchair straight away. How you doing? Thank you. And isn't it Clacton on Sea? Benjamin has booked us into a hotel called The Langtree which apparently is the premier hotel in Clacton. Let's go and look for it. The Langtree Hotel. Famous on the south coast. Look what you can get in Clacton when you arrive.
You can have a flipping in the station bar, you can have a burger, you can have a British fry up or a sausage roll. You don't get more bloody British than that. A sausage roll or a fry up. Right. Where do we go? There you are. Are you Paul Van Bankrath? I am, how you doing? Fuck off. I'm looking for the centre of town though, I'm lost. There you are. Is this it? Yeah. I'm looking for The Langtree Hotel. Please let me get a Snapchat quick. Snapchat? What's that? Fuck man. All right, let's do it.
We're having a Snapchat on the streets of Clacton with my new friend. That's it. You have to say something. Go on, say it. We're here to check out bloody Clacton on Sea. I've heard it's lovely. What's it like around it? Slow, boring. Slow and boring? Yeah. Fair enough. Anything to do? You got a pier? Yeah, pier's down here. Yeah? Okay. Follow this road all the way down. I'll just follow it down then. There we go. Hey, nice one. Look after yourself. See you later. Oh, there you go.
The benefits of having a miniscule of fame in the UK is when you bump into people, they recognise you and then they're friendly and tell you where to go. So we're going to walk down towards the pier and look for The Langtree Hotel. Let's do it. Lovely Clacton on a Friday morning. Bloody cold as well. You are on the pier. It's bloody early. What are you doing? It's not even 12 o'clock. Is there nothing else to do in this town? There is down there but to be honest, why not? What you want? Budweiser? Yeah. Nastiest beer going. What's wrong with you? Get on some proper British ale for God's sake.
No, shut up rubbish. Have a good day boys. Look at that. Clacton, 12 o'clock in the morning already on the Budweiser. I think this town might have some content chats. Ben, what's this hotel like you booked? It costs £31 a night. £31 a night? Wow. We're living the high life as millionaire YouTubers saying a £31 a night hotel in Clacton. Clip in it. Let's go. Look at this. The Soviet architecture of Clacton. Check out their library. Check it out. What a lovely building. A little bit of a Soviet mosaic type thing here in our honour. Wow. But let's give Clacton a chance.
Don't judge it harshly too quickly. It might be lovely but yeah, this is the library. Wow. Timmy, I know that before you lived in England but you never came outside of London. What's your first impression of a little English town that isn't the big city? Dark and grey. Dark and grey. Quite a good description. Are you excited? Timmy, you almost hit a baby. Timmy, you almost hit a baby with his camera. Mate, you can't be abusing babies on your first minute in Clacton or get beaten up. Oh, the sound of seagulls in Clacton tells us we're by the sea.
That's why it's called Clacton on Sea because it's on the sea. But where's our hotel? We're looking for the Langtree Hotel, my friend. Langtree. Where can we find it? It rings a bell but I'm not sure. We've heard it's the premier hotel in Clacton. Oh, the premier hotel? No, it's Langtree. No, I mean it. It is the premier hotel. I'm not sure. I don't think you're far away. Okay, what's life like in Clacton? I don't know. We don't live here. Oh, right. Okay, that's why you don't know where the hotel is. Oh, there's a gun shop here.
Gun shop? Oh my god, it is there. Buy your ammo? God, how rough is Clacton? You can buy a bloody AK-47 here. Where is this place? Girls, where's the Langtree Hotel? You must know where it is. Oh, yeah. It's actually just down there. Just carry on down there. Thank you. Thank you. Cheers. There you go, the girls of Clacton. We've arrived at the Langtree. 31 quid a night, Ben said, this costs 31 quid a night in the UK. Bargain. Langtree Hotel, five stars. Let's do it. Thank you very much. Good to be here.
I wish the weather was better for you but no, that's okay. Do you know where you're going for dinner tonight? No idea. Listen, I've got a restaurant down the road. Where are we going? That I'll be in later and. . . Steak on the Stone. Be my guest, come in as my guest. Yeah. I'm a massive fan of your stuff. I'm a bloody legend. Yeah, we watch your stuff all the time. Where are you from? Black Rock Restaurant. Oh, okay. Nice. Black Rock Restaurant, best steakhouse. I'll book your name in. Best steakhouse in all of Clacton. Black Rock. Check it out.
Cheers, boys. Check it out. Well, this is all bloody right, isn't it? Look what you get. You get a lovely double bed, towels, bedside tables. Here you can make yourself a cup of tea or a cup of coffee. Iron your clothes, TV. And in here, look, we've got a lovely little bathroom. Compact toilet, sink, shower. They promised me hot water and Wi-Fi. Tell you what, for 31 quid, that is a flipping bargain. I'm going to be very happy here. Right. Anyway, I'll wait for the boys and we shall go exploring the seafront here in Clacton, which is an old Victorian seaside resort.
So this is downtown Clacton on Sea, the lovely downtown Clacton Sea here on the British Riviera. What do you think of Clacton on Sea? It's crap. Why is it crap? Why do you say that? Kids, be nice about your town. You should be proud about your town. I hate it. Why do you hate it? Why do you hate it? Are you recording this? I am. It's for YouTube. But why do you hate Clacton? It's a little. . . I just hate it. Why do you all news? Yeah. Yeah, it's back going. Police officers, arrest these kids. They say they like getting drunk.
Right, 13? Arrest them for God's sake. You're doing nothing. This is what you find in Clacton. All I'm saying, if you're going to come to Clacton on Sea, go. I'm on JTB! Andrew Tate! Yes, Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate! Hey guys, I stole your camera and now you're coming with me to the police. You're coming with me to the police. That was Patrick. So here's Patrick. And what's your name? Taylor. And here's Taylor. That's her radio. And this is me. And there's usually a bunch of crackheads around here, but not today. Backpacker Benz found a friend on the streets of Clacton. Hello, my friend. Polish guy.
I've lived here for 10 years. Oh, my granddad's from Poland. Oh, really? How is life here in Clacton? It's okay. I'd say it gets a bit rough here now and then. You get an odd stabbing. An odd stabbing. Okay, so anything to do in this town? We're going for a pint. Come on through. What's the pints like here? Very nice. Very cheap. How much are we paying for a pint? About £3 something. £3 for a pint? It's cheaper than Brighton. Brian's like £6. You coming in now? Yeah, maybe. I'll get you a pint if you come in.
What do you want? I'll have a Corona if you don't mind. A Corona. A Corona. Proper British pub. Sounds like a threat. Mate, get that down you. Enjoy. Have a good day, yeah? Yeah, you too. I've just seen the most British meal. There's a monster. Fried chips and chicken. We don't do healthy food in the UK. What do you think of Clacton? Brutal British honesty. Is your mum into me? Did you say your mum likes me? She does. She wants to rub you and massage you. We've met a guy in Wetherspoons who says his mum wants to massage me.
Where is she? So we've come out of the institution at Wetherspoons. We're now going to go down to the seaside. Let's have a look what it's like down here. Let's see. Come on boys. Timmy's loving it. Timmy's loving his first time in a seaside resort. And look at this. Look at this lovely bridge. Romantic. It's like Venice. Do you know how cringe this is? There's three of us vlogging with the same camera. Look, you've got camera number one, camera number two and your camera number three. Let's go and have a look. See if we don't get kicked out. Might actually get kicked out.
Let's see. Clacton Pier. So we're now on what you call a pier. A pier is like a piece of a structure that stretches out into the sea that was built in the 1800s principally for people to come down and enjoy and attract people to the town. So Clacton built a pier so people would come from London, normally the east end of London, or from Essex which is the area of Britain that we're in and would come here and ride on amusements and spend money in the town. And so this is it. A British pier. And these are the things you can do.
Look, you can go on the helter-skelter or on this. Not really much happening now because it's winter time and in winter time things close down because in Britain where you can see the weather's a little bit grim. But this is it. Normally there's some fishing on the end or something or a man painting. You've got a lot of work to do my friend. Have you finished? It's the last one. Bloody hell, where'd you start? All the way up there. Undecoded it and top-coded it. Is that right? How long does that take you? It's too much breath. Six hours, five hours. Really? I thought it would take you weeks.
No. To give you a bit of an idea about the geography, we're now on the southeast coast of Great Britain and if you go straight out there you're going to hit France. Maybe we'll see a dinghy carrying some migrants. I think it's too cold for migrants to be honest with you. No migrant across a dinghy at this time of year but this is it. And over here we have some fishermen. What are you fishing for? Anything. What do you do with the fish though? Do you eat them or? No, I put them back. You put them back? So it's more like just like a hobby, a sport kind of thing.
What's the pleasure of fishing though? You sit here, it's cold. Nothing bites. Oh does it? She has today. What have you caught today? This is a great way to pass your time. This is what British people do. They come to the end of the pier, they catch fish, they throw them back but they have they meet their friends probably. Do you two know each other? Yes. It's my brother. Brothers. See brothers and sisters come out, have a bit of fun together, catch your fish, keeps the family together. Nice to meet you guys. Good luck. Good luck. Hope you catch some fish. There you go.
I want to show you some traditional British food that you buy in the seaside. How much is your rock my love? Oh 50 little ones, a pound for the bigger ones and the two pounds for these ones. What's the best one? Flavour wise. Yes. We've got fruit, mint or aniseed. I'd avoid aniseed. I'm not going for aniseed. I'm going for this one. I've got a picture of Clapton Pier. I'm going for that one. There you go. So when you're on a British beach holiday you have to buy a stick of rock and that's a stick of rock. It's basically sugar.
Simi's going to try his first bit of rock ever. What is a rock? You're going to try it now mate. It's basically sugar moulded together and it creates this like weird solidified. Come on Ben. I can't open it. Is it the British thing? I'm drunk. Yes. There we go. No. So mincy. Oh that's a British thing. That's rock. Try that. With my gallbladder it's good. Try it. Good for the gallbladder or lack of. It's a bit gummy. You like it? How much is that? 50p.
Hey so we're walking around the back streets of Clapton and I bumped into Flipping Zack, my new mate here, who saw a murder on the streets of Clapton. Tell us what happened. I was working a night shift for a kebab house local to here and on shift a guy just happened to be stabbed after a night out. He got into an altercation with a guy of a bar and I believe on his way home, or walking away anyway, just got jumped by two or three lads. Just died. Murdered. Well yeah later on pretty much that night. Flipping Eck. Imagine that. The streets.
You go out for a night out in Flipping Clapton. You want to meet a girl, fall in love and instead you end up getting flipping murdered because you talked to the wrong person and stabbed on the streets of Clapton. Flipping Eck. It's a little bit rough around here we've heard. There's some horrible stories here but you're still going. We're still going. You're not doing any knife crime I hope. No. Though you're behaving yourselves. Perfect. All right then. All right. Ah crikey. So he makes you watch my videos. Oh yeah. I bet you hate them. No. You like them? Yeah.
You like the mosaics? Oh do you like that? Yes. Yeah? Yeah. It's very nice to meet you. I do. Very nice. Oh your son's got a bald head. Yes right glasses. He said you wanted to give me a massage. He's terrible. He really is. He says I loved you I believe. So he did say that. So when am I getting my massage? I'm still waiting. I don't know. Not with these hands you hate that. Lovely to meet you my love. Have a good day. Bye bye. What a wonderful world.
Well guys we've had a little look around Clapton on sea but we want to show Timmy the real English Riviera and I've been told there's a town a few miles north of here called J-Wick. Let's show Timmy the Santorini of the UK. Timmy are you ready to see J-Wick? Ben you promised me mother of the Santorini. Let's see how it is. I promise him Maldives and Santorini. Benjamin? I know what to expect already. Oh okay. Is it nice? Music. Oh Ben knows. Sounds mysterious. Let's wait for your bus, jump on it, go to J-Wick. Now we're off to J-Wick next.
What's it like? We're going to J-Wick now on the bus. Right J-Wick's very very nice. It's very very run down. Like anywhere you'll meet 99 turds to meet one good one. But you'll more likely get help down here than you would in an affluent area. Hey it's the bus to J-Wick. Driver what's J-Wick like? Is it all right? Okay. Let's go. We're out of here. We've arrived in J-Wick with the dog. Let's follow you. So these houses that you see here on the street they're not typical British houses and that's because they were built as temporary chalets for holiday makers from East London to come down to in the 1930s.
But then people started buying them up. They thought it'd be a cheap place to live by the sea and so people retired in East London mostly will meet people from East London here. They bought these places and started moving in. They bought these houses and they started moving in. And that's why well that's why they do look very temporary. We're exploring J-Wick. We've heard so much about it but we've heard good and bad but you know what everyone's friendly. Everyone's nice. There is that community. There is that community. It's a nice place. How long have you been here? 11 years in J-Wick.
There is people that own some people but it's more rental because it's cheap. Can I ask you a cheeky question? Go for it. Any chance of a look? Yeah if you want. See what a house looks like in J-Wick. Let's see what it's like to rent a 500 pound Oh that's right. It's cosy. That's all right. It's cosy is the word. It's small isn't it? Yeah toilet shower. Okay. Because it's only a shower because it's too small. But it's warm. It's warm. I haven't even got the heating on today. Really? No. It was natural. Nice. Just a bedroom.
Oh it is small. I mean I guess before I move. Not even room for a double bed though. Well I mean it's deprived but people get by. And people do help each other. I mean when I very first moved down here I had nothing and people were giving me donate curtains. Do you want a microwave? Do you want a little cooker? Do you need anything else? Just till you've got yourself sorted out and on your feet. British people. That is the community down here. British people are good people. A lot of London people moved from London.
I'd say well over two thirds of people were originally indigenously from the London areas. And it's that old community what you don't get in London no more. But you did say 40, 50, 60 years ago. But that community's here. You know. I call this little London. London on sea. Timmy you've just had an experience that not many foreigners have and that is to meet a true Brit. That is the heart of Britain. That is Britain. Chaps like that. Good people struggling to survive. Not living the high life in London. But this is Britain or at least it's yeah part of Britain at least.
And yeah good people. Let's continue walking see what else we can find here. In friendly J-Wick it has to be said so far very friendly. Good morning sir. I'm having a look around J-Wick. It's a lot nicer than I was expecting. People are so friendly and nice here. How long you been here? Since 2013. Did you come down from London? No. No? Where were you from? I lived in Colchester for 30 years before that down in St Cup Kent. But my son was slightly disabled. Okay okay. So it's a bit of a struggle. It is. Is it? It is hard.
Well a year after I moved down Vandal smashed my car around and stopped my stuff. Where's your caravan? Let's have a look. Vandal smash your caravan. Why would they do that to you? It's just the way they are. What just kids smashing up things. So he destroyed your caravan. All my tools was nicked out of it. They stole your tools? Tools they nicked the fed in. So this was in good condition before you were using it? Yeah. Oh bloody hell. So this gent. . . Did you used to go on holiday on it or what did you do with the caravan? Well I went on holiday once with it.
Yeah and then they smashed it up. That's terrible. Look at this what happens this poor bloke bought a nice caravan had holidays probably with your son and now look they smashed it up stole everything out of it. That's bloody awful mate. Did you report it to the police or is it not even worth it? There's nothing they can do about it. Stick that in your pocket mate. That's right stick it in your pocket get yourself a drink or something later. Don't you worry about that. That's terrible what's happened to you. I feel really bad for you. I'm 75 now and the freaking I've worked all my life.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah. You know you expect something decent out of it. You expect if you work all your life you're 75 retired that you should have a nice comfy retirement without any bloody hassle without anyone frigging doing that to you. No I'm really I just got fed up with it. I don't blame you. Take care my friend. Wow what a sad story the man's worked all his life he's 75 wants for a tire by the beach and then he parks up his caravan in his backyard and vandals come and smash it and destroy it and now he's living alone with a disabled son I mean flipping it.
This is Britain for many many people. I've been here 23 years. Right. Yeah in Morrissam, and everything's been good touch wood. Yeah yeah never any problems your neighbors are good and everything. Everything yeah 100%. Yeah people are friendly here. Friendly. Yeah exactly that's what they don't talk about they say oh the houses and all that like rough street but people are good. They are good. I think British people principally are very good people. Yes yes. And we look out for each other. Yeah yeah I've never got no trouble. 23 years mate I've been down there.
So they kick people out of the East End and move them down to Jeywick like kind of dump them down here. Dump them down here that's right and then you get a riff-raff of some bad people. Yep like anywhere. Like anywhere yes and then suddenly they sort of people go away and then yeah I don't want to say nothing too bad. Yeah sure yeah but I mean I presume the majority of people are good people that you get on with. 100% yeah.
So as the guy in the mobility scooter was saying Jeywick is used as a dumping ground by London City Council to get rid of certain elements of people that they don't want to deal with. They send them to towns like Jeywick or Chatham. Towns on the periphery all over the country in fact real. Yeah these towns are used just to get rid of undesirables and leave them here and let the local people deal with those issues that come with that with that new element of people that are coming in. Good morning my love you're right Sunday walk. Yeah it's lovely isn't it. Enjoy it's nice.
You've got to say British people are so bloody friendly whenever I travel I always say oh it's friendly in this country it's friendly in this country but I've got to be honest with you it's harder to find a friendly a bunch of people than the Brits especially the Brits outside of the big cities. This is real Britain real people let's go and have a pint. Are you from the East End of Moorland as well like everyone I've met? Yeah I come from Loughton originally which is the other side of Essex. Okay okay so you're still an Essex girl. Yeah still yeah. I'm having a um I'll have a Stella please. All right Ben.
Well I can see in your latest video when you said Timmy's a nightmare. What do you mean? He doesn't stop talking. Come on. You owe me a pint at least you can do it. Oh wait you owe me ten dollars. Yeah fuck you ten dollars. You owe me a pint. Okay tell me why you're angry. Are you honestly angry or just me whenever you're like talking to someone you just jump in hey I'm from Greece I'm from Greece talk to me I'm just like oh I can't help he's a nightmare. I'm from Greece. Yeah I don't give a shit. I'm gonna get it.
How are you enjoying your first ever Sunday roast in a pub in England? Everything is delicious and it's healthy for me because I lost my whole brother so there's no fat here but I cannot eat this bro. You don't like peas? No I cannot. I have trauma. My mum punished me when I was five. Ben. I'm not going to tell you a life story. British food at its finest roast dinner 10 out of 10 come on. That's right we brought Timmy Carrs from a real British holiday to the Riviera here in England.
I think he's had a good old time he's met some people he's had a pint he's had a Sunday roast I think the video is pretty much over let's finish our meal and say goodbye and wish you guys a Merry Christmas. Well guys that's the end of our little trip the final journey of 2023 let's ask the boys what they thought about it. Here they are. Jesus Christ. Okay so for me it was the first time out of London finally I saw what Britain means which basically means great food and kind people apart of you and Ben. Perfect. Benjamin? I agree.
What did you think of your little trip? Loved it good to be back in the United Kingdom. Clackdown Sea is quality make sure you come and check out J-Wick as well. There you go Ben thanks for traveling with me in 2023 remember Ben was with me through the Amazon stuff like that. Timmy thanks for traveling with me in 2023 if you remember he was there ruining the videos in the Darien and places like that so it's been a great trip have a great Christmas see you guys in 2024 for some new adventures sometime. Bye bye from lovely Clackdown Sea and these two Brexit geezers. .